Call Me Crazy

Sigh...

I've got the grouchies.

Did you stop reading right there? I wouldn't blame you. I'm tired of hearing my own thoughts, so it's ok if you are too.

The timing of our trip to Disneyland was not accidental; I was dearly hoping that the euphoria of our happy respite would eclipse the seemingly unavoidable blues of the season. T'was not to be. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's Crew's most recent hunger strike. Maybe it's all the junk I've been eating. Maybe it's because I need a haircut very badly, so I feel fat and ugly. Maybe it's bitterness that Justin is choosing to channel his grief into miles on the treadmill while I help myself to another 4 servings of pasta. Maybe it's others that I care about struggling with their own tragedies around me. Maybe it's everything.

I feel so full of conflicting emotions. How can one person feel so mercifully blessed and so totally gypped all at the same time?

I think I'm doing a lot better than I was this time last year. Justin disagrees.

Would you believe I actually put Crew in time-out last night for the first time ever? Actually, at one point all three of the children were in time-out at the same time. I think that says more about my state of mind than their behavior.

I swore during breakfast this morning when oatmeal was tossed in my face for the fourth time. One of my finer moments.

I really thought that this year would be so much easier. A few weeks ago I was a little alarmed at how stable I was feeling, wondering what kind of deadbeat mom-of-an-angel I am that I can be so practical, confident and upbeat about our situation during this time of year. Ack! I'm no longer practical! I'm no longer confident! And I am definitely not upbeat!

Last year the anxiety didn't dampen and peace didn't come until late late late Birthday Eve. Mostly because I didn't seek peace until then. Seeking peace when I feel this way means opening my heart to feeling the loss deeply enough to drive me to the Savior's feet. It means willingly setting aside my protective anxiety to make room for the more honest pain and sorrow. It's only through that openness of heart that I can get to the other side, to find peace, love, and joy. But I'm not a masochist, so that first step is really hard. I do denial/bitter/angry so much better...

I just don't know if I can pull it together in time. I know from experience that it's worth it. But...