Saturday, July 24, 2010

Matchy Matchy and the Road to Healing

There are many reasons that Crew and Tanner have never been dressed in matching outfits. One is that they have always been so far apart in size that it hasn't been much of an option. The other reason is more emotional.

When I was in the hospital after the birth of Dex and Crew, one surprisingly intense anxiety I endured was the awful anticipation of facing the matching outfits that we had bought or had been given to us for our boys. Having to put Dex's clothes away was extremely difficult. It was important to me that I do it myself, but it wasn't easy. In fact, in a few cases I couldn't even bring myself to dress Crew in certain outfits because I had imagined too often how they would look together in their matching or coordinating duds. I eventually had to tuck Crew's outfit away too, unworn, unable to overcome my demons.

Kinley and Tanner have shared a room since the day we brought Tanner home. It's worked for us. Crew, on the other hand, has had his own room since he came home from the hospital. Last year when we moved to our new house, we discussed our future bedroom arrangements. We figure that eventually Kinley will have her own room and the boys will share. The first time that it occurred to me that Tanner and Crew will be sharing a bedroom, I cried. A lot. I always expected Crew to share a room with his brother... just not this brother.

A few months ago, I bought matching pajamas for my boys. Ever since they ran across them in my bedroom, Kinley and Tanner have been begging me to dress the brothers in the matching pajamas and take pictures, totally oblivious to the emotional landmine they were asking me to navigate.

I've been putting it off, of course. Nevertheless, with much pressure from Kinley this week, I squared my shoulders and did it. It wasn't nearly as hard as I had feared and they look awfully cute, don't you think? I only shed one solitary little tear.

These are the beautiful brothers we have to work with in this mortal realm and they are treasured blessings. It's not weird to dress them in matching or coordinating outfits and it's not a slight to their missing brother. Dressing them in matching outfits is one tiny and begrudging way of expressing acceptance for who we are. And who we are not.

One more demon defeated.

1 comment:

Vera said...

Oh though my heart aches with you at the thought of what you had to overcome, I am also overjoyed that you HAVE defeated this demon. So happy for the boys too, yes they are soooo cute! And in time they will have lots of fun as roomies too. I can totally picture Tanner telling Crew about the ways of life :)