Saturday, July 18, 2009


I've been in kind of a weird mental place lately. This upcoming move has really brought a lot of things to the surface. Things that, frankly, I'd rather stuff than confront.

I've been spending a lot more time at the cemetery, knowing that our visits will be fewer and farther between when we move. It really is a beautiful, peaceful, happy place. The kids ride bikes and we take long walks, trying to piece together some of the stories we find. It's reaffirming to remember that everybody dies sooner or later. And it's so exciting to know that this life is just a stepping stone into a grand continuation beyond the veil.

People have asked how I feel about "leaving Dex" when we move. Ever since his headstone was placed, I've found myself being very protective of him and his earthly tribute. In anxious moments, I make Justin promise that our visits to his grave will be frequent. In stronger moments, I feel fine moving away because he has reminded us on so many occasions and in so many ways that he is not there. Kinley feels sure that he joins us for family scripture study. Tanner asked at dinner the other night if Jesus was going to drive Dex to our house in a car so that he can live with our family again.

I find myself up a lot at night. Sometimes it's because the Tiny Prince has unswaddled himself and wakes up thinking it's snack time. Other times I am just up, thinking about the future and mentally solving potential catastrophes unnecessarily.

I don't consider myself a pessimist by nature, but this last year has been pretty overwhelming in a lot of ways and apparently it's affecting my psyche. It was a year ago that we found out that we were expecting twins. It's been one... "adventure" after another since then. Now that life seems to be leveling out, I find myself terrified to let down my crisis-guard.

Justin's job situation has finally stabilized and I'm absolutely in love with our house-to-be (which we closed on Thursday, yay!) My children are healthy, things are really mellowing out; it's almost like things are too good to be true and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, anticipating another major disaster.

I just can't seem to embrace the possibility that maybe my "Nauvoo period" is starting. I've been running on adrenaline and faith for so long that I can't figure out how to turn off my crisis-radar. I check to make sure Justin and the kids are breathing all night long; every time we get on the freeway I think "this could be the end of us. All it takes is one mistake." I went through a similar experience after we came out of the 7 months of cornea surgeries following the Great Candyland Incident. It took a long time to stop bracing for looming disaster. This feels very similar... only more intense.

Blech. This grieving thing is really icky sometimes.


Scrapping Mom of 5 said...

I just wanted to say that all of that is "normal" or at least it all sounds very familiar. I have found that even though we didn't move away and a pass the cemetary where Samuel is buried at least 2 or 3 times a week I don't feel the need to stop by all the time like I used to at first. Now its usually only 2 or 3 times a year. Usually on his birthday. I would be 9 this year. So the need to go isn't as great. Even the garden out front has become more the garden out front than Samuel's garden. (It was put in place as a memorial.) Taht said leaving the garden behind even now would be hard.

The other thing is the crisis mode thing. It still slips into place when I least expect it and about the strangest things. My oldest is going to live in Southern Sudan for 3 years running a mission office and I have complete peace about that. I feel he is totaling in God's hands and no matter what happens its in God's timing and plans. Yet I can get panicky if one of the kids seems to be too sleepy or has a headache. If someone gets sick my mind goes first to worst case senerio and how I will deal with all the possibilities before I can settle back down and think oh maybe they are dehydrated because they've been outside all day and haven't had enough water to drink.

It is getting better. It doesn't happen as often or last as long when it surfaces BUT mabye just for the fact that it isn't constant anymore when it does pop up it seems to take me by surprise and I have stop and regroup. Sometimes I think in a way its not a bad thing because it helps me to remember who sustained and comforted me. It keeps me from trying to take care of everything myself and to rely on God instead. I have to realize that I can't control everything and I can't fix everything. Sometimes I just have to rely.

And finally it brings me to the hardest thing about the whole process. Grieving I have found is not something we do and move on. We don't check off the box and cross it off the list. It changes, it becames less out front and more in the background, but it does not disappear. So while we move forward we don't leave it behind. And in the end that's a good thing. Our precious little ones will never be forgotten by us.

Lisa said...

Honey, I don't even know what to say....except I will be praying for you. Sometimes that "next step" is so very very difficult.


Krisi (Mom & Dad to R Kids) said...

Just wanted to say this happens to me all the time as well. After losing two little ones I am consantly thinking that sometime awful happened when hubby is not home at the exact minute I was expecting him or we are driving. I won't go on a trip with just him and I as I am afraid something will happen to the two of us.

Next week is when we found out last year we were expecting again. It was also the same day that our first little boy's due date was. Things do get better.

We are amazing women and Heavenly Father loves us so much (at times I think he thinks we can handle more than we think we can though).

You are an amazingly strong woman. I hope all is going well with the move and time will allow crisis mode to be less often.

Hugs to you guys.