You Say Potato

You may call this a mess. I may call this a mess. Our Feeding Occupational Therapist calls it a "successful exercise in sensory exploration."


Julie brought in a new recruit to our team: Becca. We actually won't be seeing Becca very often because Crew is doing so well. She saw wonderful things while she was evaluating us over lunch. She also made me feel a lot better about my method of persuasion, letting me know that I'm not unduly coercive in my efforts to feed him and that "force feeding" is not an accurate description of what I'm doing. Phew! I've worried about that a lot.

We're settled into Operation Fatness. It's been a... transition, to say the least. We all pretty much hated life that first week; he and I were in tears almost the whole time. Justin, Kinley, and Tanner gave us a wide berth. It was emotionally draining and extremely time consuming. I thought I was losing. my. mind. I am still regularly pureeing in my nightmares, and my tracking spreadsheet is a neurotic marvel to behold, but things are better. Much better.

Balancing nutrition, fluid intake, maximum calories, nutritional variety, appealing taste, and workable textures; researching, brainstorming, planning his menu, preparing, measuring, mixing, remeasuring, dividing, calculating, pureeing, remeasuring, redividing, recalculating, feeding (ak!), remeasuring, recalculating, recording, and cleaning up are no longer the only things I do throughout the day. Did I mention the tears?

The good news is that we now know that he can grow. That means we can pretty much scratch metabolic and genetic disorders off our list. Oh, and Primary's... :)

Scare of the Day

I let Crew and Tanner play in the playroom upstairs while I was busy preparing my preschool lesson this morning. Tanner played Wii and Crew dumped out toys from buckets, threw blocks across the room, and banged cupboards open and closed. The playroom door was supposed to be closed, but someone went potty and forgot to close the door again.

While I was cutting out an unflattering picture of a man's hairy nose for our body books, I realized that in my peripheral consciousness I was hearing happy little baby chatter much too loud, much too close.

I raced to the stairs and spied a very happy little baby teetering precariously on the brink of death or maiming.

Now, just imagine this picture without the protective arm of an older brother and with four more stairs that were cropped out of the picture, and you'll get a feel for why my heart is still racing.

Sneaky Sneaky

Favorite yogurt for breakfast... 120 calories

Whole-milk ricotta cheese and half an avocado hidden inside the favorite yogurt + Mickey Mouse Clubhouse... 300 calories.

Of Course

The good news: We think that Crew has chosen his first verbal word.

The bad news: It's "no". As in, "no, I'm not going to eat it".

Such Naughtiness

Crew's new schtick is to pull off all the vent covers and drop toys down the chute. He tried to climb into one himself a few weeks ago and got stuck.

Little stinker.

Mobility rocks. So does cognitive development.

Fat Baby

Thank you so much to those who have been praying for our little guy. It has definitely made a difference.

I have exhausted every bit of creativity and patience in the mommy-arsenal as I have pushed Crew to the limits of his abilities and desires. We have radically changed his diet in both variety and quantity. It has been extremely difficult for him and very stressful for us but we know we are doing the right thing by him.

I drove him to P-town this morning for a spontaneous voluntary weigh-in; I needed some sort of validation on our efforts. My nerves may be in tatters and my house in shambles, but my baby has gained 10 beautiful ounces in the last 7 days!

And that makes it all worth it.

Excursion

Crew enjoying the fresh air, even though it was also very windy air.

Tales of the Tiny Tyrant

How can a child of mine not LOVE eating? It's just unnatural.

In case you can't tell, I've been a bit of a headcase about Crew's food for the last several days. Monitoring your infant or toddler's intake feels so wrong. It goes against all of my mothering instincts: if the child is hungry, feed him. If he's not hungry, leave him alone. Apparently that only works if they actually continue to grow on what they are willing and able to eat. Ah... the fine print of the parenting license.

Sigh...

And oh, baby, yes, he senses the stress oozing out of my every spoon-wielding pore. I try to put on my "chill" face; I laugh lightheartedly and offer him tasty bites in my nonchalant voice, pretending I couldn't care less whether he eats his breakfast or slimes me with it. Unfortunately, I'm not fooling him. At all.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better eating day. He did so very well on Saturday and Sunday. Fingers crossed.

Why the crisis attitude? Because we have deadlines. Deadlines, I said. If he doesn't eat better and/or start gaining weight immediately, our life is about to get turned even more upside down. We'll be diagnosed with "failure to thrive" and we'll be referred to Primary's for further intrusion, opinions, procedures, etc. Say what you want (but not on my blog and not to me); I'm desperate to avoid that scenario.

At this point, no one really thinks he has anything genetically or metabolically wrong with him. We honestly think he is simply still unable/unwilling to eat enough calories to grow. (The math says he needs about 900-1000 per day and he takes in about 700-800--P.S., counting calories for babies is stupid and I hate it.) But why he doesn't eat enough is a mystery. He doesn't have reflux. He seemingly enjoys eating (most of the time). He can self-feed on occasion. Aside from some texture issues and taste preferences, there is nothing obvious inhibiting him from eating "enough". He's a tiny guy with a tiny belly, and he gets full. And eating is hard work for him. We're actually extraordinarily lucky that he does as well as he does. And he has improved greatly over the months.

If the genetic and metabolic tests come back ugly, it's a different ballgame. If we can successfully bump up his calories and he still doesn't grow, I'll be looking anywhere for help (even Primary's). If his electrolytes and kidneys are off, we're over our heads. But if our suspicions are correct, he's so borderline with his issues and so close to his ideal caloric needs that it seems really extreme to start involving GI's and Primary's and a comprehensive team of "failure to thrive" specialists. I don't want to be put in any kind of intrusive treatment pipeline if I can help it.

PT Julie came today. I was in tears when she arrived because Crew called a food strike this morning. She's bringing out an OT that specializes in eating issues to observe him. I welcome her. Gladly. We're also due for our neonatology follow-up clinic appointment and we have a nutritionist and an OT there. Why is that different and more palatable than Primary's? It just is.

I need him to grow. STAT.

Am I overreacting? Absolutely. It's part of my charm. Ask me if I care.

Comments disabled. So I guess you can't ask me if I care after all.

The Little Stinker Ate

For PT Julie.

Just like he ate for Kinley last night.

Starvation Roller Coasting

Crew has had three amazing eating days in a row. I've been so relieved and hopeful, fantasizing about our next weigh-in.

Today.... today....

He drank 4 ounces at 2 a.m. He won't eat or drink anything now.

Nothing.

Nada.

Sigh... please, little guy. Eat. Something.

I don't know if he's sick. Or sick of eating.

Growth and Stuff

Justin took Kinley and Tanner down to a BYU football scrimmage and then miniature golfing. It's a good thing that I plied them with ample sunscreen this morning. My only regret is that I have no pictures of their adventures together.

Crew and I have spent some mommy-critter alone time discussing growth goals. I think we have come to an understanding. We have each committed to bringing a more adventuresome and creative spirit to the table. Let's hope it shows in the thighs. His, not mine.

I said, "Crew, you are awfully sweet and awfully cute, but it's time you weighed more than the average four-month-old". Yes, you read that right. An average 4 month old or a very small 7 month old.

He is as tall/long as an average 13-month old or a very small 18-month old. That's reassuring at least. His head is also small, but it's growing on a nice, steady curve. He's a long, lean, green bean. P.S. green beans have practically no calories. I just thought I'd mention that.

Dr. Doom

2.5 ounces.

That's what Crew has gained in the last three months. I'm just glad he hadn't pooped yet this morning before his weigh-in.

It's a very long, complicated story that I don't want to get into right now.

The Gist:
He has three months to start growing before our doctor ships us to the "Failure To Thrive Clinic". Awesome, huh? Not for Global FTT, just the isolated weight gain failure.

In the mean time, we'll be doing blood tests to rule out thyroid dysfunction, liver problems, cystic fibrosis, absorption concerns, and other genetic disorders.

I have a headache.

We're increasing his calories. Again. In ever-more-creative ways. Balancing maximum caloric intake, hydration, nutritional content, volume tolerance, taste preferances, bowel considerations, and texture issues is more complicated and frustrating than it sounds. I promise.

Snoozer

The Favorite Dolly fell asleep in his sister's arms. She laid him on the floor and tucked him in with a blanket and a stuffed puppy.

Brothers Go Fish

Normal Naughtiness

Odd, I don't remember being quite so amused when Kinley and Tanner wreaked comparable havoc in their heyday...
Our entire family really gets a thrill out of watching Crew do things that "normal babies" do. Having him take the wipes out of the bucket one at a time was cause for celebration and a phone call to Daddy.

In further naughty cognitive development, Crew has really taken a shine to reaching for the wall socket ever-so-slowly when he knows that Daddy is watching. He raises one eyebrow and wears an unmistakably mischievous grin as he sneakily leans toward the forbidden zone.

His personality continues to expand in happy, increasingly independent ways. He is soft and squeezy and sweet.

On Pioneer Day weekend, we took the children to Temple Square in downtown Salt Lake.

My favorite people! Kisses!The grounds were sensational. I took dozens of flower pictures.

Tender Tanner

This morning while I was tackling last night's dinner dishes and sopping up a breakfast disaster, Tanner was eating a snack at the table and Crew was sitting on the floor crying from loneliness, neglect, and exhaustion.

I had already told Tanner that he could play Wii while I cleaned up the kitchen. Tender brother that he is came up with a win-win-win solution.

Tanner: Mommy, when I'm done with my snack, can Crew come with me while I play Wii? He seemed really happy when he was playing with cars in the playroom yesterday.

Wow, he's sweet. And "sweet."

I decided to let Crew go nuts in the playroom with Tanner and they were both very happy indeed. Tanner with Lego Star Wars and Crew with his cars. Within 40 minutes, exhaustion overcame him and I scooped up the tiny floor sleeper and put him into his crib.

Morning Milestone

Guess who I found sitting up in his crib for the first time this morning????

Too bad it was a surprise awakening at 6:15...

In related news: he also fed himself about 1/3 of his bottle this morning. I held him, of course, and he dropped the bottle a few times. But when I handed it back to him, he tossed it in his mouth and held it there for a respectable length of time. Good boy.

He Sits

It's official. He can now sit himself up whenever he feels like it! Yay!!! He is also rolling around the house, from room to room, carpet to hard floor and back again. Mobility makes us smile.

More Haiku For You

Crew retched once again
Even with puke out his nose
He is very cute

******

After cleaning puke
Daddy steps in someone's pee
He is not happy

A Crew Haiku

Need more calories
Feed Crew more than he can stand
Puke is not awesome

Matchy Matchy and the Road to Healing

There are many reasons that Crew and Tanner have never been dressed in matching outfits. One is that they have always been so far apart in size that it hasn't been much of an option. The other reason is more emotional.

When I was in the hospital after the birth of Dex and Crew, one surprisingly intense anxiety I endured was the awful anticipation of facing the matching outfits that we had bought or had been given to us for our boys. Having to put Dex's clothes away was extremely difficult. It was important to me that I do it myself, but it wasn't easy. In fact, in a few cases I couldn't even bring myself to dress Crew in certain outfits because I had imagined too often how they would look together in their matching or coordinating duds. I eventually had to tuck Crew's outfit away too, unworn, unable to overcome my demons.

Kinley and Tanner have shared a room since the day we brought Tanner home. It's worked for us. Crew, on the other hand, has had his own room since he came home from the hospital. Last year when we moved to our new house, we discussed our future bedroom arrangements. We figure that eventually Kinley will have her own room and the boys will share. The first time that it occurred to me that Tanner and Crew will be sharing a bedroom, I cried. A lot. I always expected Crew to share a room with his brother... just not this brother.

A few months ago, I bought matching pajamas for my boys. Ever since they ran across them in my bedroom, Kinley and Tanner have been begging me to dress the brothers in the matching pajamas and take pictures, totally oblivious to the emotional landmine they were asking me to navigate.

I've been putting it off, of course. Nevertheless, with much pressure from Kinley this week, I squared my shoulders and did it. It wasn't nearly as hard as I had feared and they look awfully cute, don't you think? I only shed one solitary little tear.

These are the beautiful brothers we have to work with in this mortal realm and they are treasured blessings. It's not weird to dress them in matching or coordinating outfits and it's not a slight to their missing brother. Dressing them in matching outfits is one tiny and begrudging way of expressing acceptance for who we are. And who we are not.

One more demon defeated.

The Dinner Darling

Will someone give that kid a bath?Would you believe that he was not feeding himself? He made this delightful mess while I was spoonfeeding him. It actually got worse before the end.

Mommy's Little Hero

Our Baby SITTER

Crew continues to make great improvements in his gross motor skills. In an exciting update: Four times in the last week he has sat himself up all by himself, going from a laying down position and shoving himself up to his bum. I never realized what a huge accomplishment that is for a child until my child didn't do it. We've been working really hard on it for several months and it looks like he is about ready to make this independent transition skill a permanent part of his life!

Pretty soon we are going to have to lower his crib mattress down from the "newborn level". Last week I had to raise the side for the first time ever, just in case he figured out how to sit himself up and lean over the rail. He hasn't sat himself up yet in his crib, but I have a feeling it's coming soon. I've never put that siderail up before. He's never needed more than a 4-inch barrier to keep him safe, contained, and trapped. It's kind of exciting to see him being all risky all of a sudden!

He has also started rolling himself over to light sockets and poking his little fingers where they don't belong! We busted out the socket covers this weekend.

We're baby proofing! For CREW!!! I'm so excited!!!

As far as crawling, he continues to take tiny but important strides toward that end. One thing we do is place a toy off to his side and just out of reach. We've been encouraging him to pivot up onto his knees to get his toy and he now seems to be more comfortable on those pesky knees than he has been in the past. His strength continues to improve and he will now pivot right up onto those knees without assistance, returning quickly to sitting position before we can do anything really crazy, like make him try to crawl or something.

His rolling skills have exploded in the last month or so. He tumbles around the room as fast as lightning, cracking us up in the process. It took him a long time to accept rolling as a viable mode of transportation, but he's now definitely hooked on the independence that rolling has brought into his life. He still only rolls one direction, but it seems to work for him. He spins and pivots all over the place, venturing off the carpet now and then.

We're super proud of our little guy. He works so hard for his accomplishments and has such a happy disposition (when he isn't teething). Along the way, his conquering spirit continues to manifest itself in so many ways.

Love you, Crew.

Beach Bums

Crew doing a little sunbathing.


Crew thought the sand was fantastic. He tossed it all over the place, getting it in his hair, his ears, and all kinds of other interesting places. He had a good scrubdown before his nap.
I like summer. Who knew?

Independence Day

Crew love love loved the lights and sounds of the holiday weekend! Don't let the face fool you. He has an oogie on his finger.


Happy Independence Day and God Bless America!!

Nonverbal Communication

I am writing this with smashed peas and oatmeal in my hair. Tiny Tyrant didn't like his breakfast this morning.

Though really, who could blame him?

Weirdly, it's usually one of his faves.

Not. today. Clearly.

Life's Simple Pleasures

Perhaps if he can't have a puppy (and believe me, he can't have a puppy...)
I could use the container drawer for motivation... Go, Crew!

I Looked Out The Window

And what did I see?

Some super cute kids "crew-zin" the neighborhood...