Monday, May 11, 2009

How Do I Respond?

There is a comment that continues to be made that I don't know how to address. I know people aren't intending to be hurtful and that their hearts are in the right places. And so many people actually say it to my face that I think more people must think it and just not say it. Every time it's said, it's so stunning and it takes me so completely off guard that I just stare blankly and don't know how to respond.

The comment is this: "Well, didn't Justin only want one more baby? So, if you wanted two more babies and he wanted only one, you both kind of got what you wanted, huh?"

The thought must not be that unique because I've heard it more times than you might think. It makes me want to never tell anyone the beginning of our miracle story (where Justin declared we could only do pregnancy one more time and I couldn't wrap my head around that because I felt there were two more little ones waiting for us) because some people walk away with the bizarre, unfathomable idea that my husband is somehow relieved that my son has died to spare us a few sleepless nights and diaper expense. I just don't know what to say when people say that and it makes me feel sad. Because I'm so stunned that I just change the subject, I feel unfair and disloyal to Dex and to Justin because it's soooo far from the truth. Justin was so scared of the dangers of a twin pregnancy (hello, wonder why) but once he got used to the idea and over the total shock of the situation, he was so excited to have his babies to snuggle and to raise, and he was completely devastated when it all fell apart.

How can I respond kindly and effectively to this sentiment?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! I seriously can not believe that people say that or would even think that!!! That is just plain rude.

I'm speechless.

So, I can understand why that would render you speechless.

I'm so sorry that people could be so heartless and insensitive to you and the situation you have had to endure.

Stephanie
~faithful reader from the beginning~

Kira =] said...

W O W! seriously makes me speechless, had to read it more than once.

that's just seriously rude. The only response I can think is, "No, one of our children dying wasn't what we wanted." Good luck with that Megan. I really can't believe you've heard that more than once. I mean you both lost one of your children, how to some people not get that?

Rhonda said...

I too, cannot understand why anyone would say such a thing! Some people amaze me. I seriously and honestly cannot think of a response that would be appropriate. I'd probably stand there with my mouth and eyes wide open wondering how on earth that person just had the gall (lack of brains) to say such a thing.
Please, please, please don't let the stupidity of others play with your mind. Some people just don't get it.
Love to you and your beautiful family.

Scrapping Mom of 5 said...

The first thought that comes to mind is hey stupid are you insane. Do you think with that brain. Oops that's the not nice response. After we lost Samuel and we realized the risk of having a repeated cord issue my dh said no more because he wanted to guard my heart too. So when we got pregnant with Hannah people would said I thought you said no more. Well we did but God said something else. It didn't mean that at any time my husband didn't want this baby. To say he worried about both of us for 36.5 weeks would be an understatement and the outcome was all the more a miracle because she too had knots in her cord they just hadn't pulled tight. To think my dh didn't want her because she wasn't "planned" for would be like said in the blog a insult to my dh and my daughter. But I have the same dilemma how do I share the miracle that is Hannah without included the suffering of losing her brother the year before. Samuel is a real part of our family to ignore his presence in our family even if he never breathed on this side would cheat all of us. So back to my first answer hey stupid do you use that brain of yours.

And people can make inappropriate comments on so many things. When Hannah was a baby and I was at the Wal-mart with her and all the boys (must have been a moment of insanity) someone ask oh is the baby a girl. Okay appropriate and I reply yes. Then she looks and my fine group of young men and says still looking at them oh you were trying for a girl. Now I have 4 wonderful sons standing there, I have one boy buried and you are going to dismiss all of them as unimportant and worthless. And it was the one time I actually thought of a quick response. I turned to her with a straight face and calmly said oh no were were trying for another boy but we decided to keep her anyway. I figured Hannah was too little to care and we've shared the story over and over and now at 7 she even thinks its funny because she knows how loved she is. The expression on the woman's face was priceless. You could tell she was really trying to figure out if I meant it or not.

Lisa said...

Girl....I'm just sorry....sometimes, people are ignorant....or they have heard others say the "same thing" either in public or in private and though "hey, that's catchy"....

Ignore it the best you can....and in the back of your mind, keep wishing a bad case of ACNE on them.....or maybe armpit fungus? UGH!

I will pray that the Lord will protect you from this kind of hurtful and demeaning comments!

You take care!

AdronsCatherine said...

Uh... WOW. I dunno how to deal with ignorant people. They make me crazy, and, honestly, I am embarassed FOR them!

At Max's funeral, Adron's grandfather looked at me and said "Well, at least you weren't too attached to the little critter just yet." I don't think my response was very nice, but I can't remember what I actually said.

At least people generally mean well and are trying to see the bright side?