Tasty Feet

Wandering through the world lately with my warped perspective has been very thought provoking. It makes me wonder how many thousands of times I have said something "normal" and "innocent" that has taken someone else's breath away, maybe even made it to someone's therapy-blog or support group message board. Since we all know how much I love to talk, I suspect the list of offenses is pretty extensive.

Then again, when I say "it makes me wonder", please, oh please don't take that as an invitation to enlighten me. I prefer the bliss of ignorance.

To all those who have had to start a conversation, post, or email with "you'll never believe what someone said to me today to rip open a wound they didn't know about" because of something I have said in ignorance, I am so sorry.

When I'm not swimming in my own pool of self-absorption, I kind of like my new, more accepting frame of reference. The memory of my first trip to the grocery store after the boys were born is still fresh. Kinley and Tanner were being so naughty and I didn't have the energy or the heart to scold them because I knew they were grieving in their own way and dealing as well as they could under the circumstances. I will never forget chanting in my head "please don't be mean to us. Please don't be rude to us. Please don't stare at us. Please don't roll your eyes at my kids. We are barely holding on today."

I remember looking around, feeling so self conscious and wondering how everyone else looked so normal when my world had just fallen apart. While I appeared stable on the outside and had my stable moments on the inside, I wanted to hang a sign around my neck that said, "please tread very carefully. My baby just died and my other baby is fighting for his life. I take no responsibility for how I may respond to unanticipated additional stress."

Now (when I'm not wrapped up in my own re-erupted grief and scratchy blanket of hypersensitivity) I look at the other people at the store a little differently. When someone seems brusque or sad, it makes me wonder. I'm not sure they really want me speculating about their personal life, but I can't help it. Did they lose a child? Did their spouse leave them? Are they struggling with infertility? Did their spouse die? Are they in foreclosure? Is someone they love in drug rehab? Is there a scary medical diagnosis in their circle? Did they lose their job?

You just never know.