Friday, February 26, 2010

The Promise

Tonight while listening to Tracy Chapman's "The Promise" on an endless loop, I decided that I'm finally ready to share how this song came to be My Dex Song.♥

My dear friend Kat and I served briefly as mission companions in Riga, Latvia in 1998. When we returned to the states, we took a road trip together to St. George to visit "our other parents", the Welches. Some may remember Keith when he spoke at Dex's funeral. On this long drive, Kat introduced me to the song and I fell in love with it immediately. I listened to it for several weeks before forgetting about it for 9 years.

In October 2008, Kinley was in morning Kindergarten and still took afternoon naps on occasion. One such afternoon a few weeks before the boys were born, Kinley and Tanner were napping at the same time and I had some hours of solitude.

In the peace and stillness of the rare silence I felt an immense urge to find a special song. Not just any song, but a song that would be my song if Dex died. To say that I felt morbid doing it would be putting it mildly. I never would have admitted it to anyone, yet I felt overwhelmingly driven to complete the task. It took less than 5 minutes to find the right song, a song I hadn't thought about in almost a decade.

I listened to it on an endless loop, much as I have tonight. I cried and cried until I had no tears left. I knew exactly which baby I was mourning. I knew it wasn't Crew and I knew that it wasn't both of the babies. That afternoon was all about finding peace in saying goodbye to Dex. I sat in our home office and mourned the loss of a baby that I had no intention of ever losing.

When I couldn't shed one more drop, I brushed myself off, calmed the hysteria, and promptly blamed hormones and lack of sleep. I never confessed to Justin how I had spent my afternoon because obviously only a crazy person would pass her time in such a fashion. I felt so macabre.

I didn't even think about that experience again until a few weeks later. When I sat in the hospital in similar solitude, grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of my Dex. Again. And needed a song.

I was in no mental or emotional condition then to be trolling the internet for lyrics to express my feelings. I count it as a very tender mercy that I had the perfect lullaby already chosen. I think of it as what Dex would say to me if he could.

I've been thinking a lot lately about tender mercies, ever since I stumbled upon a reference in 1 Nephi in the Book of Mormon. It says in 1:20 "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

I believe the Lord gives us these wonderful tender mercies with purpose, to strengthen us against the battle. This tiny little gift that seemed so insignificant (and kinda strange) at the time, was a valuable piece of armor that would help deliver me in the end.

1 comment:

Scrapping Mom of 5 said...

What wonderful updates. Crew is doing so much. And thank you for sharing the wonderful if not understood at the time moment in your lives.