Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter Healing

This week hasn't been the pre-Easter celebration of my dreams. I've been rather grouchy and blue. There have been a thousand catalysts, but suffice it to say that against my better judgment and despite long effort to resist the temptation, I have gone there. I have been wallowing in the "what ifs", being angry at the world, including myself, my doctor, and stupid people at large, and have generally felt very sorry for myself.

It was probably naive of me to think that I'd never have an emotional setback like this, but I can admit that I suffer from a naive streak.

It was really important to me that we attend church together as a family this morning. So, contrary to medical advice and Justin's wishes, we packed up Crew and took him for his sacrament meeting debut. I knew that for this special Easter morning, I needed to be able to clutch the most obvious evidence of the Lord's mercy and love for me, who also happens to be the most tangible connection to Dex.

The Lord has given me Crew. His birth, his survival, his progress, his development, and everything else surrounding this amazing little boy just screams "miracle"! I am so thankful for how far we have come and I feel so humbled to have been given the privilege to keep him here on earth.

As if that wasn't mercy enough, I still have my angel Dex waiting patiently for me in heaven. Everything surrounding this amazing son of mine also screams "miracle"! He has been spared the difficulties and challenges of this mortal life. He, truly, has been given the "crown without the conflict." I am still able to feel his presence on occasion, when I really need to. He is my son; he will always be my son.

All in all, things could be a lot worse.

And yet, this last week I have found myself feeling deep gratitude, love, faith, and hope mixed with a confusing dose of sad and frustrated and a splash of numbness. I have been focusing on the mortal details of all that has happened, and not the peace that I have felt or the knowledge and testimony that I have been given. I have allowed the burdens of the natural man to creep in, clouding my acceptance.

Easter is about the Savior's atonement. The miracle of the resurrection that we celebrate is what makes it possible for me to keep smiling and still feel real, pure joy in my life. Through Him, my Dex will be resurrected one day and placed in my very willing arms.

But it's not just about the resurrection. It's about all kinds of healing. The Savior suffered for my sins, and he also took upon himself the infirmities of the world. He suffered every burden known to man so that He could succor us from a place of perfect understanding. Even if I don't understand the emotional cocktail that I'm experiencing, He does, and He'll help me get through it this time, as He has in the past.

Easter is a joyful and hopeful time for renewal. I feel my Savior's love and I'm on the path toward healing. Again. One thing is for sure: when I do find that perfect peace again, I won't feel guilty about it anymore. I'll just embrace it and be thankful for it because I know that's what my Dex would really prefer.


texasblu said...

You are such a special lady. You're so right - we have doses of good days and bad ones. The bad ones are there so we can enjoy the good ones so much more. You embrace them for what they are - weak things to become strong - and that makes all the difference. :)

Yes, you are lucky to have both those babies. And both those babies are lucky to have you and your family. The Lord is merciful to all. Have a wonderful Easter!

Scrapping Mom of 5 said...

Prayers to you. It does get better but sometimes without warning all those pity party stuff can creep back in. I know when I'm feeling stressed and hurried and don't "make time" to be still and quiet with God then I'm so much more vulnerable to the land of what if's. And its usually not when people would expect it either. Its not his birthday or holidays so much anymore its just those odd ordinary moments when my focus on the important becomes blurred. May you again feel the presence of the living Lord upholding you.

Anonymous said...

Don't be to hard on yourself, you have done exceptionally well. With all the things you have been through I don't think you have had time to step back and reflect on all that has happened. You are truly blessed and you know it and God is holding you in his arms as you mourn, remember he knows how you feel. I love that you know that your son will be waiting for you when it is your time. What a lovely thought that it. Give yourself a hug, you centainly deserve it.