Off The Reservation

I'm using my blog as cheap therapy tonight, so don't feel obligated to swim through my drivel.

Tonight I am feeling overwhelmed and sad. I fully expected Dex's birthday to be sad, but I didn't anticipate all the emotional build-up in advance. The trip to the Neonatal Clinic yesterday didn't help anything, I can tell you that. Seeing all of the struggling little NICU survivors, hearing the suspicions about Crew, etc.

I spoke for a short time with the parents of the TTTS girls. I was so super sad for them because their girls are struggling, particularly the recipient twin (Dex), but on the drive home I found myself being kinda jealous that they both survived. That doesn't usually happen but yesterday was particularly trying. The mom asked about my TTTS diagnosis and treatment. No one ever asks that so I was caught off guard. I told the truth (about his good, but faulty intentions) and she burst into tears and said, "I hate your doctor!" And I have to admit that in the moment I kind of agreed with her.

Bitter a little?

I remember the first time I got Mad. I remember being so surprised by it, but openly embracing it for survival in the moment. It was 10 days after the boys were born. I remember it because it was while they were prepping Crew for lifeflight to Primary's when he blew a perforation in his bowel. All of a sudden I was just.... Mad. Super mad. I paced that NICU like a tiger, leaving the room several times because I just KNEW I was going to rip Crew out of that isolette and run out the door with him if I hovered too near. I remember gripping the arm of the flight nurse and saying, "you save him! I just buried his brother; I will not lose him too!"

I also very vividly remember staring Justin down and saying, "We have already lost one son and survived it. We can do it again if we have to." Then we hit our knees, praying to God that we would not have to survive it again.

I have seen too many babies die this year. I knew babies at Primary's that never made it home. I know babies that survived the NICU only to struggle throughout their lives with various problems. I have made friends online that have lost babies and some that are even in my exact same boat (damn TTTS!) I've embraced mommies at the cemetery who are there visiting their angels. My eyes are opened in ways that I never wanted them to be. I am a veritable expert on all kinds of helpful, tragic topics.

I wish I could say that I'm doing what I know I should be doing to find my more comfortable peace and perspective, but I'm not. I'm totally wallowing, embracing the self-pity within. I don't plan to do it long, but it changes things up a bit and change is good, right? LOL, just kidding.

I'm actually looking forward to the boys' birthday, if you can believe it. I think the anxiety of the anticipation is the worst. I actually have some celebratory plans that I think will help us all refocus. Oh, I suppose I may also be feeling a little anxiety about someone thinking they might want to crack open Crew's skull....

I'm so overly dramatic, I know. I think I may be a wee little bit hormonally imbalanced at the moment.

But I also feel significantly better having purged my "deepest darkest" onto the blog this evening. Maybe I'll sleep tonight. Yay!

P.S. The song that caused the driving-home meltdown yesterday was "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning?". It has all new meaning for me, as it has for a year now. My world stopped turning for a bit on November 10, 2008.

Particularly this verse:

"Where were you when the world stopped turning that September (November) day
Teaching a class full of innocent children
Driving down some cold interstate
Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone
Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her
Did you dust off that bible at home
Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Speak with some stranger on the street
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Go out and buy you a gun
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger
Stand in line and give your own blood
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love"