Sunday, November 1, 2009

That Time of Year

It's that time of year again. The wind is blowing (a little harder than last year). The air is crisp and cool. Football is on the television. The leaves are falling. Autumn is here.

I have had a lot of mixed feelings this week, and I expect them to continue and evolve into... something over the next few months.

It was this week one year ago that acute TTTS struck our family, unbeknownst to us. While I was out lumbering around the neighborhood trick or treating, my Dex was dying inside of me and I didn't even know it.

I've occasionally wondered if potty training Tanner that month and trick or treating all night long affected the outcome somehow. My doctor suspected TTTS had begun, but didn't tell us because he didn't want to worry us, not realizing how acute my case would be, not knowing that time was of the essence. He did not refer us to a perinatologist. I went into false labor twice during those final two weeks and I didn't go to the hospital and I didn't demand an ultrasound to check on my precious babies. Hindsight.

In my dark moments I still blame myself, wishing I could go back and make different decisions that may have saved my darling.

But in better moments I know that however we got here, we are where we are supposed to be. Dex waits for us patiently in Heaven, with his great eternal perspective. I look at the miracle of his conception and the miracle of his birth, his overpowering spirit that surrounded me the week that he left me, and the knowledge that I had in those moments that all was right in the world. I am so thankful that we were able to keep Crew because we were so close to losing him too. Two more minutes and we would have lost them both.

The truth is that the Lord saved Crew in a dramatic and miraculous way. He could have let him die and He didn't. By the same token, He could have saved Dex and He didn't. While I may not be thrilled with that reality, I can come to no other conclusion except that Dex's life plan did not include a long journey upon the earth.

I have come to know Dex better this year than I would have guessed. He is cheerful and good hearted. He is unfailingly amused by our antics. He seems far too good to be a member of this family, but we'll certainly take him.

Before the ward split, I learned that there were eight sets of twins and a set of triplets in our congregation alone. I have gotten used to seeing twins around town in the last year, to the point that my heart doesn't even race anymore. Today, however, I was blindsided. I sat behind a very pregnant woman who chatted with the girl behind me, telling all about being pregnant with twins. She is due about the time next year that I was due this year, about as far along as I was a year ago, looking as miserable as I remember. They were laughing about "two for the price of one", how she feels ready to pop already, how she is "done" being pregnant, joking and giggling, you know, like normal people do.

Why can't I just be normal?

Why did I have to hide behind Crew's spit rag and cry while we sang our opening song "Master the Tempest is Raging?"

"Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today.
The depths of my sad heart are troubled.
Oh, waken and save, I pray!"

Ah.... but then came:

"Master, the terror is over.
The elements sweetly rest.
Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored,
And heaven’s within my breast.
Linger, O blessed Redeemer!
Leave me alone no more,
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor
And rest on the blissful shore."

I love you, my darling boy. I miss you so much and I look forward to holding you again. Death doesn't hold the terror that it once did because I know that I'll find you waiting for me when the time comes. In the mean time, I'll try to be patient.


Scrapping Mom of 5 said...

I loved what you said about getting to know Dex. It is a feeling I've had ever since Samuel was born into heaven. It was not something I even knew how to put into words. But I know my child though he never took one breath this side of heaven my heart still knows him. I know that he's real to me because his younger sister Hannah knows him. She speaks of him as her brother. I've seen grown-ups look at her like poor little thing she doesn't understand that she doesn't have a brother Samuel. But she does and she knows him just likes she knows those who live with her. Can't explain it if you don't already know it to be so but there it is. Hannah loves all her big brothers The one that lives in Africa doing relief work, the three that share her house and get on her nerves, and the one that is waiting for her in heaven. And my some mystery that only God can understand they all know, love, and watch out for her.

And for what's it worth I'm so over normal.

Texasblu said...

You are a beautiful, beautiful lady. Your insight is more than most people accomplish in a lifetime.