Friday, November 28, 2008

Angelina and Me

I recently had the experience of seeing my first identical twin baby boys being pushed in a stroller. I held my breath and allowed myself a few tears while Justin squeezed my hand a little harder as we passed them. I like to think that the next time won't take my breath away, but I can't know for sure.

I faced People Magazine this week. I saw it staring at me in a waiting room, daring me to pick it up and flip through it. I knew full well that it would take no time at all to find some reference or pictures of Brangelina and their new babies. Feeling in the mood to plow through another unavoidable "first", I picked it up. Sure enough, 25 seconds later I found them.

I'll confess that I was quite surprised that it didn't set my heart racing and the tears flowing. Little Max and Vivienne belong to them and are their blessing. All I could think about (besides how skinny Angie looked in her slinky black dress) was that no one else has my Kinley, or my Tanner, or my Dex, or my Crew. They are our blessings and they are tremendous.

So many things just don't seem important anymore. Things that seemed so all-consuming just a few weeks ago now seem so ridiculous and trivial. More than once, Justin and I have looked at each other and said with rolled eyes, "in 80 years, none of this will matter."

I don't know exactly what emotions wait for me further along the grieving process, but I like to write these things down in case bitterness and resentment start creeping in. For now, I don't begrudge anyone their healthy babies, their twins, their full-term pregnancies, or anything else. These last few weeks have shown us how kind, merciful, and mindful the Lord is of us as individuals and as a family. We have four fantastic children and are surrounded by more love and support in the form of family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers, than we have any right to even imagine. I love my life and I wouldn't trade it for all the world. Oh, come on, there are things I would change if I had half a chance (I'm not crazy, after all), but as a whole, I'll take it.

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