Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Riding the Roller Coaster

We went to visit our little Crew-ton this morning. He looked especially adorable. He was being a good little breather today, not very lazy at all. I was so proud of him. As far as the medical update goes, he has a mucus plug that has caused one of the lobes in his right lung to collapse. They've propped him on one side and will continue to suction out his lung until the extra secretions drain, hoping to avoid infection. The sooner we can get him off the ventilator, the better. He's been processing his milk so well for the last several days. They always pull up the remains from his stomach through the feeding tube before giving him another feeding. While I was there this morning they pulled up his breakfast and it was all green and unhealthy. "Very common, very common in babies this sick." Ugh, I get so tired of hearing that. Maybe it will resolve itself in a few days, maybe they'll have to discontinue feedings altogether for a while. So this morning was kind of a downer.

I had my first breakdown in the NICU this morning. Everything just kind of came together all at once. I was disappointed by the setbacks with Crew and concerned for him, I was really missing Dex, missing Kinley and Tanner who are always farmed out to hither and yon, and just feeling so tired from all that has gone on. Then I went to the pediatrician's office to pick up immunization records for Tanner so that he can visit the NICU. I felt the need to inform them of Crew's existence so that the doctor can follow his progress. That, of course, led to a discussion on his birth, his brother, etc. Apparently, while I am very comfortable talking about what happened to Dex with someone who already knows about him, I still can't cope very well with being the informant. Incidentally, our doctor happened to be at the hospital when the boys were born, seeing another patient. He knew the story, but didn't realize that they were our sons. Then I went to the mall for lunch to try to decompress. We walked in the door and some song was playing on the radio. I have no idea what the song was, but the chords were so melancholy that I completely lost it in the lobby. I sat in Winger's and just cried for a long time. Did you know that if you look pathetic enough, you can get free wings?

Some hours are just hard. As far as dealing with the loss of Dex, last week I was surrounded by the beauty and peace of some of the intimate, comforting moments of the whole experience. A week later I have to face the reality of him being gone and sometimes I just miss him too much. I think Justin said it best. Last Monday was a watershed moment for us. There was life before last Monday and there is life since last Monday.

I've found that the most difficult things are "the firsts". I have so many "firsts" to get through. Looking down for the first time and seeing my feet in the shower at the hospital was a particularly difficult moment. As much as I have looked forward to sleeping on my belly again, I haven't been able to do it yet because in some way it feels like a betrayal to the boys and to the process that was supposed to bring them here safely. I find myself not being able to rejoice about my rapid weight loss because I'm still supposed to be nice and plump through the New Year. I cried during the Amazing Race on Sunday because that was the last tv show we watched before we went to bed and our life changed. I cried the first time we said family prayer together after I came home from the hospital, as soon as I sat down in the rocking chair that was always reserved for my big, lumbering behind. So for those of you who seem to think that I'm so strong, I'm giving you a peek behind the curtains of what goes on sometimes.

I've discovered through necessity of dealing with some of the daily grind that things are easier after the first time. I just find that I'm not prepared for how difficult so many of the "firsts" are going to be.


Scrapping Mom of 5 said...

The firsts are always the hardest. It will get better but to be totally honest there will be times where something just touches you and no matter how long its been you will feel a deep sadness and give in to healing, cleaning tears. It doesn't happen as often as time goes by but just when you think you could not ever cry again something will hit you and wow. Samuel has been gone now over 8 years and this past weekend I was on a religious retreat and during communion they sang the song that was song at Samuel's funeral. I hadn't heard "You are My All in All" in awhile and as soon as the first chords were strummed on the guitar I recognized the song and my heart just couldn't stop the tears that flowed fast and furious. So as long as you know it will hit without warning then just don't worry about what others around you are thinking just give into a good cry.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading about you and your boys and I know this is somewhat unrelated but I understand about the firsts and how sometimes you may just start crying and not realize why until you stop and are crying and hear the song that is playing or a part of someone’s conversation. The hardest first for me was the first father daughter dance I was expected to sit through at a wedding reception for a childhood friend of my husband. It was years after my dad passed and 20 days after my wedding. The song they chose was Tim McGraw’s My Little Girl that song came out just before he passed I thought of him instantly, just after he passed was when the song was most popular. It had been months since I heard that son and at this wedding they did not announce what the song was but all it took was 5 notes and I was in tears trying to sit politely the my wonderful husband asks do we need to step outside. I nod and he excuses us from the table. I could still hear the song but I did not have to cry in front of everyone at the table. When we return, everyone wanted to know what was wrong and so he explained briefly so I would not start crying again. Take care and I hope little crew keeps fighting strong. I believe that if Dex is such a strong spirt like you described crew is never alone if he needs comfort and Dex is helping him through this battle for life. In addition, the way I see it crying is not a sign of weakness; weakness is refusing to cry when you need to.