We love having him so close to home. It's been such a blessing, but has also presented some unforeseen challenges. Having him so accessible makes it really easy, maybe too easy, to spend time with him. I find that I have absolutely no self-control at the moment and am spending more time there than I even planned. I can't sleep at night knowing that I could be there with him.Plus, did you know that through some of the stages of grief, there is a phenomenon that happens where you lose all sense of time? Seriously? I noticed it immediately after the twins were born, but it hasn't exactly resolved yet. So I don't even realize how much time I'm spending at the hospital until I think about it logically and count up the hours in a day. Time flies, or something like that.
Spending time with my fighting little guy can't be a bad thing, right? Except that life is never that easy. I'd like to be a good wife, a good mom to my big kids, a good NICU mom, a good housekeeper, a good milk producer, a good friend, a valiant daughter of God, etc. I'm being a good NICU mom and a borderline acceptable dairy cow, and it stops right about there. My way of dealing with stress and guilt is to retreat and avoid, which makes me more stressed and more guilt-ridden. Nice cycle. My big kids are neglected, my husband is ignored, and the laundry pile is laughable. Though I cleaned half the house this morning after my 3 a.m. pumping because I couldn't sleep anyway. I don't feel like I have enough time or energy in my life right now to even process the wide range of emotions that I am feeling, both the good and the bad.
I shouldn't complain so much, but I'm nothing if not honest on my blog. Some days we are totally fine, cruising along in our zen, ignoring the insanity that is our life, maintaining healthy perspective. And then some days are just... the opposite of that. Right now we are way out of balance and need to readjust our schedule to the new (and wonderful) circumstances of having Crew so close to home.
In Crew news, he put on 2 ounces yesterday! He is now a whole 2 pounds and 4 ounces! Yay! He has had his fortification decreased down to plain ol' breast milk because he wasn't tolerating the fattened up stuff very well. I think that the fortification decrease, combined with excessive kangaroo care, is really going to help him put on the necessary weight. Things are going to be sensitive with his digestion and growth until his bowels are put back together. That's just the nature of what he has had done and where the perforation was.
Kinley and Tanner were able to see him yesterday for the first time in over a month. Kinley read him the sweetest letter that she had written to him. Tanner was very... Tanner-like. There was cigarette smoke in the elevator, so when we got up to the NICU, he started coughing and screaming "I'm sick! I'm sick! Cough cough cough! I have a sick cough!" Just what everyone in the NICU wants to hear. I can't wait until we are all under one roof. The hope right now is to bring Crew home sometime in March. Keeping fingers crossed.
3 comments:
I stumbled across your blog a few days ago. I'm following your journey and praying for you guys. Here is a poem that hopefully will settle your soul. It's one of my favorites. God Bless!
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton
Everything can wait - your little Crew needs you the most right now. Hopefully DH an dfamily will help at home and keep some sense of order there for you. I know this is so hard on each of you, but one day you will all be together and can put your life back in order.
My prayers are with you all and especially dear little Crew.
Blessings to you all
You remind me of me in that stress cause the feeling of retreat which make stress and guilt increase and the cycle rolls on and on. As far as the house that's the least important thing. Is there any family, church people, or friends who could come in and take turns helping with household stuff. I saw that on Jon and Kate the other day. She said getting the washing and drying done wasn't bad because she could move stuff in and out while she was doing other stuff but it was the folding, hanging, and putting away that got her down. They had a neighbor come in once or twice a week and just sat and folded, hung, and put clothes away. Maybe some one could do some clutter clean up. Nothing big or deep just help keep clutter at bay, clean clothes in the drawers, and a meal now and then on the table.
As far as your husband he probably gets it and understands but I think they tend to feel overwhelmed and a bit useless. You can go and kangaroo. You can provide life saving nourishment. A lot of men want to fix it for you but of course there is no easy fix right now. So maybe taking time once a week to be quiet together. Just talking. Give him concrete ideas of what you need from him and ask what he needs of you.
The big guys are the hardest. They are grieving. They are concerned about their brother but that probably miss you too. Again maybe just find some time once a week to be alone with them for an hour or so. Play their favorite game, go to the park, share a happy meal. Just stay connected.
It seems like so much and so overwhelming but I think just giving yourself a chunk of schedule time each week with each person that is important to you will less your feelings of guilt and disconnect.
Develop a schedule that will help you have a balance of time when your own internal clock is out of sync.
And finally you need SLEEP. It sounds like you have very little sleep since Crew's arrival in this world. Sleep deprivation will increase stress, anxiety, guilt, time unreality, disconnecting with family, etc. If necessary ask your doctor about a safe medication or even one of the herbal supplements that might help you relax and get some rest. Its so hard to rest when you brain is ruining in circles but you must sleep.
My thoughts and prayer are with you. And I wish your family a most blessed Christmas.
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